Musings of an Old Chemist

A Chemist's Perspective on the Habits and Skills STEM Students Need For Success

Category: VIII. Self-awareness

  • Mastering Emotional Intelligence for Personal Growth

    Mastering Emotional Intelligence for Personal Growth

    When we talk about the subject of personal growth, we usually split things into two buckets: “Inner” growth (a growth mindset, self-awareness, and resilience) and “Outer” growth (relationships, communication skills, achievements, and recognition). However, here’s the missing piece in our model: Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the bridge that unites these two separate ideas, preparing you to be successful as a functioning member of society, regardless of your chosen career path. Producing real-world success that people actually notice.

    Emotional Intelligence (EQ) isn’t just about being nice; it is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions while recognizing and acknowledging the feelings of others. If your IQ measures your intelligence or book knowledge, EQ measures your people skills and self-control. It is the connection between thinking and feeling.

    The Four Core Pillars of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

    Pillar #1: Self-awareness

    In a previous blog post, we defined Self-Awareness as the GPS for our process of personal growth. And it is the absolute starting point for emotional intelligence (EQ). It’s all about understanding your own moods, feelings, what drives you, and how all that affects the people around you. To master this, you need to take an honest look at what you’re good at and what you struggle with, and feel genuinely confident in yourself. The key thing is, a self-aware person doesn’t just feel an emotion; they can actually figure out why they’re feeling frustrated, happy, or stressed. This deep internal check is the groundwork for everything else in emotional intelligence.

    Pillar #2: Self-control

    The second component, self-control (self-management), follows self-awareness. It is crucial for keeping destructive emotions and urges in check, so you can stay calm and collected, even when things get stressful. Think of it as emotional control—it’s that ability to hit the pause button between feeling an impulse and actually doing something about it. This pause allows you to make smart, principled decisions instead of just reacting impulsively or defensively. Self-management includes being flexible, taking initiative, and keeping a positive attitude in order to reach your goals, even when you face roadblocks.

    Common Examples:

    When receiving constructive criticism, someone with low emotional intelligence (EQ) might immediately become defensive, blame someone else for their mistake, or just give the person the silent treatment, which is not helpful. In contrast, a person with high emotional intelligence will pause, acknowledge that the criticism, while it may feel uncomfortable, is justified, and then ask what they need to do to improve, genuinely thanking the person for being honest. 

    When having a “bad day,” a person with low emotional intelligence stressed about a meeting or a deadline, might react by snapping at their parents, spouse, friend, or even someone in a restaurant or store, just because they are in the way. A highly emotionally intelligent response is to recognize the feeling of being overwhelmed and directly tell a partner, “I’m having a ridiculously stressful day and I’m a bit on edge. I need 20 minutes of quiet to de-stress so I don’t accidentally take it out on you.” 

    Pillar #3: Social Awareness

    Social Awareness (Empathy) is the third key ability, which is shifting your focus away from yourself and focusing on others. This crucial skill enables you to sense, understand, and respond well to the emotional needs and concerns of those around you. Often described as being able to “read the room”, it requires you to see things from someone else’s perspective and grasp the mood of the situation. It goes beyond just seeing that someone is upset; strong social awareness helps you to understand why they are feeling that way, which is critical for great relationships and connecting with others.

    For Example:

    During a big disagreement, either at home, school, or at work, a person with low emotional intelligence makes their goal to “win” the argument and prove the other person is wrong. Conversely, a highly emotionally intelligent individual focuses on understanding the other person’s perspective, asking questions like, “Help me out here – why is this so important to you?” because they value the relationship more than being right.

    Pillar #4: Building Relationships

    Building Relationships is the final stage of emotional intelligence. It’s where you combine your emotional intelligence and social skills to manage complicated social situations, inspiring others. This is the top level of emotional intelligence, showing how well you can influence people, get them on board, and help them grow. It covers multiple social and communication skills—things like building trust and connection, communicating your message clearly and powerfully, addressing disagreements without a fight, and promoting change in a variety of settings, at home, school, and work. Bottom line? Relationship Management is about taking what you know about yourself (self-awareness) and what you feel for others (empathy) and turning that into positive interactions with those around you.

    Conclusion

    Emotional intelligence (EQ) is an essential skill for genuine, lasting success. Without it, attempts at inner growth become mere wishful thinking that fails when the pressure mounts. And outer growth results in shallow relationships that lack the trust necessary for long-term progress and achievement. Emotional intelligence links your inner strength to your outer results, establishing a mechanism that accelerates both personal growth and professional success.

  • Self-assessment Exercise Four: Practicing the Art of Self-reflection and Evaluating Your Openness for Change 

    Self-assessment Exercise Four: Practicing the Art of Self-reflection and Evaluating Your Openness for Change 

    For your consideration:

    “You know, to be able to do something great in your life, you’re gonna have to realize your failures. You’re gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.” 

    – Dave Chappelle

    Introduction

    Honest self-reflection is a precursor to self-awareness and the starting point for our discussion of personal growth. To start to know yourself, you need to consider who you are and what’s important to you at this point in your life. This is the final of four exercises designed to encourage you to take the time to think about and identify your goals and motivations. This exercise is designed to help you understand the forces driving your pursuit of a key personal or professional goal. It may help you know yourself better, figure out your goals, and make more informed decisions about your future. It may also help you to develop a stronger sense of purpose and direction in life. 

    Key Points to Remember

    Be honest with yourself; there are no right or wrong answers, and no judgment is attached to your responses.

    Take your time with these exercises, thinking about what is important to you and why.

    As you work through each prompt, take a moment to record your thoughts. These reflections serve as a valuable resource when developing self-awareness.

    Self-reflection and Your Openness for Change

    Prompts

    Prompt #1: 

    Think back over the past year. List one thing that you wish you could do over. Did you react harshly to a person’s comments or criticize someone unfairly? Were you given an opportunity to display your talents and skills or asked to do something meaningful and, for whatever reason, failed to meet expectations? Is there a decision you made whose consequences did you more harm than good? If so, what did you learn from the situation? What could you have done differently? If this is a repeating occurrence or behavior, are you willing to and how do you intend to change your behavior in the future?

    Prompt #2:

    Is there someone in your past who has left a lasting impression due to their constant support and guidance? This person consistently stood by you during times of need, providing advice, emotional and financial assistance, all without expecting anything in return. Someone who may not have said what you wanted to hear at the time, but precisely what you needed to hear. How did you respond to their guidance: were you grateful for their wisdom, or did you harbor resentment? Do you consider this person to be a role model for you? If so, how have these interactions changed your perspective on life and working with others?

    Prompt #3

    List three things you value most regarding your personal growth, for example: Faith, Family, Financial Freedom, Recognition, Success. Now, look back at the past 2 weeks, what was your time investment on your personal growth process? How many hours did you dedicate to activities directly serving these three values? Which activity or relationship gave you the greatest sense of satisfaction or positive reinforcement (exothermic growth)? Was there a drain on your energy levels (endothermic growth)? What activity or relationship consumed the most of your emotional or mental energy, often leaving you depleted?

    Self-assessment Conclusion

    You’ve completed the vital work of moving from self-reflection to action by honestly considering answering these questions. You’ve identified and acknowledged any recurring failures and regrets (Prompt #1), influential mentors and guidance in your life (Prompt #2), and, most importantly, evaluated your personal energy investment (Prompt #3).

    As discussed in a previous blog post, the Law of Conservation of Energy applies to personal growth: you cannot generate more personal energy; you can only reallocate it to different endeavors. 

    Your life is subject to this law. Every time you dedicate mental or emotional energy to low-value activities or relationships that drain you, you’re experiencing endothermic growth; that energy is simply lost.

    Conversely, when you commit to activities aligned with your most important values—such as your faith, mastering concepts or talents, your family, or financial desires – you’re exhibiting exothermic personal growth. You’re releasing your stored personal energy, producing serious personal growth. While these endeavors may be challenging in the moment, this process (perseverance and resilience) builds the person you truly desire to be.

    With the four parts of your self-assessment now complete and your answers identified, the crucial next step is to actively pursue the traits, habits, and desires that will help you become your best self. We all need, no, we all must, stop passively waiting for change. So utilize this blueprint of your values and begin, right now, to invest your personal energy in becoming the person you desire to be.

  • Self-assessment Exercise Three: Identifying Your Expectations and Beliefs

    Self-assessment Exercise Three: Identifying Your Expectations and Beliefs

    For your consideration:

    “Lower expectations do not lead to happiness, no matter how often they are met.”

    – Michael Jordan

    Introduction

    Honest self-reflection is a precursor to self-awareness and the starting point for our discussion of personal growth. To start to know yourself, you need to consider who you are and what’s important to you at this point in your life. This is the third of four exercises designed to encourage you to take the time to think about and identify your goals and motivations. This exercise is designed to help you understand the forces driving your pursuit of a key personal or professional goal. It may help you know yourself better, figure out your goals, and make more informed decisions about your future. It may also help you to develop a stronger sense of purpose and direction in life. 

    Key Points to Remember

    • Be honest with yourself; there are no right or wrong answers, and no judgment is attached to your responses.
    • Take your time with these exercises, thinking about what is important to you and why.
    • As you work through each prompt, take a moment to record your thoughts. These reflections serve as a valuable resource when developing self-awareness.

    Expectations and Beliefs

    Description of the Types of Expectations

    Expectations can be broadly categorized into two types: internal (intrinsic) and external (extrinsic). While there are subtle distinctions between internal and intrinsic, and external and extrinsic, for clarity in this explanation, I will group them together.

    Internal (intrinsic) Expectations

    Internal (Intrinsic) expectations originate within you. These are the personal standards that influence your behavior, performance, and character. They can take various forms. These might include physical goals, such as training for a marathon; a commitment to daily habits like a 10-minute meditation; value-based principles like kindness and honesty; or quality standards, such as the expectation that your work will be perfect when you submit it.

    Your motivation to meet these expectations stems from intrinsic factors such as your personal values, ambitions, self-worth, and the desire for self-improvement. The primary reason is often the desire to meet your own standards for mastering new content or ideas, exploring your passions and interests, your process of personal growth, and a sense of satisfaction. For instance, you might set an expectation to practice the guitar for an hour daily, motivated purely by the love of improving and the music itself, finding your reward in the satisfaction you receive from the activity.

    External (extrinsic) Expectations

    External (extrinsic) expectations originate from outside yourself. They are standards, rules, or requests set by other people, your parents, friends, coworkers, or society in general. For example: a deadline for a project (either in class or at work), your parents or a spouse’s request for you to do a specific household chore, a job description or class syllabus listing how your performance at work or class will be measured, or perhaps a societal standard on how you “should” behave, dress, or define success to be accepted. At its core, with external (extrinsic) expectations, your primary desire is often to meet the standards of others.

    Accountability to others, the pursuit of rewards like promotions or praise, and the avoidance of negative consequences such as disapproval from parents, friends, or bosses, poor grades, or losing a job, are often key internal (intrinsic) motivators for meeting external expectations. External (extrinsic) motivations, by comparison, are generally less fluid and flexible because changing the expectations of others requires you to negotiate the terms of the expectations and seek agreement with another person.

    Bottom Line 

    Your expectations need to be realistic and attainable, plus align with your personal goals and ambitions. You must remain true to yourself and your beliefs and core values, regardless of how difficult it may seem at times. Negotiating expectations is a major component of the personal growth process.

    Prompts

    Prompt #1: 

    Whose expectations have the strongest influence on your life, and that you feel obligated to meet? Are they aligned with your own beliefs and desires? How do you manage those expectations and stay true to your dreams and goals?

    Prompt #2:

    List three things you expect from yourself (for example, I expect myself to spend 30 minutes each day writing). How do these expectations impact your daily decisions and actions? Does meeting your expectations give you self-confidence and encourage you to do more? Or do these expectations overwhelm you? 

    Prompt #3: 

    Think about a recent time when you exceeded an expectation. Did you take time to acknowledge and celebrate that success? If not, why? Recognizing your “wins” is an important component of self-care.

    Prompt #4:

    Think about your expectations for others (friends, family, or people in general). Are these expectations realistic and attainable? How do they align with what you expect from yourself, your goals, and your beliefs? 

    Up Next: Practicing the Art of Self-reflection and Evaluating Your Openness for Change 

    The last set of prompts, part four of the series, will ask you to practice the art of self-reflection and evaluate your openness for change.

  • Self-assessment Exercise Two: Understanding Your Goals and Motivations

    Self-assessment Exercise Two: Understanding Your Goals and Motivations

    For your consideration:

    “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to just try one more time.”

    – Thomas Edison

    Introduction

    Honest self-reflection is a precursor to self-awareness and the starting point for our discussion of personal growth. To start to know yourself, you need to consider who you are and what’s important to you at this point in your life. This is the second of four exercises designed to encourage you to take the time to think about and identify your goals and motivations. This exercise is designed to help you understand the forces driving your pursuit of a key personal or professional goal. It may help you understand yourself better, figure out your goals, and make more informed decisions about your future. It may also help you to develop a stronger sense of purpose and direction in life.

    Key Points to Remember

    • Be honest with yourself; there are no right or wrong answers, and no judgment is attached to your responses.
    • Take your time with these exercises, thinking about what is important to you and why.
    • As you work through each prompt, take a moment to record your thoughts. These reflections can serve as a valuable resource for developing self-awareness.

    Goals and Motivations

    A Quick Refresher Regarding the Types of Motivation

    Intrinsic motivation is the drive that comes from within. You do it because the act itself is enjoyable, satisfying, or aligns with your core values and sense of purpose (e.g., learning a skill because you are passionate about learning, solving a puzzle for the challenge).

    Extrinsic motivation is the drive that derives from external factors. You do it for a separable outcome, like a reward, recognition, status, or to avoid punishment (e.g., working hard for a bonus, getting a degree to impress others).

    Healthy motivation is often a blend of both, but an over-reliance on extrinsic factors can be unsustainable and lead to burnout.

    Prompts

    Prompt #1: 

    Choose one significant goal you are currently working towards regarding your personal success or growth. Describe it in one or two clear sentences.

    Prompt #2:

    List the things that truly motivate you to achieve this goal. Are they intrinsic motivations (lead to a sense of accomplishment or happiness) or extrinsic (money, job title, or recognition). How did these motivations influence your selection of this goal? 

    Prompt #3: 

    Think of a past achievement you’re proud of. What motivated you in this endeavor, and how did it make you feel to achieve it?

    Prompt #4: 

    Think of a time you overcame an unexpected challenge or setback. What motivated you to keep going? What did you learn from that experience? How, if any, has it changed the way you set goals in the future?

    Up Next: Expectations and Beliefs

    The next set of prompts, part three of the series, will ask you to examine your expectations and your belief system.

  • Self-assessment Exercise One: Identifying Your Dreams and Aspirations

    Self-assessment Exercise One: Identifying Your Dreams and Aspirations

    For your consideration:

    “The only thing that stands between you and your dream is the will to try and the belief that it is actually possible.”

    – Joel Brown

    Introduction

    Honest self-reflection is a precursor to self-awareness and the starting point for our discussion of personal growth. To start to know yourself, you need to consider who you are and what’s important to you at this point in your life. This is the first of four exercises designed to encourage you to take the time to think about and identify your dreams, aspirations, motivations, and expectations. It may help you understand yourself better, figure out your goals, and make more informed decisions about your future. It may also help you to develop a stronger sense of purpose and direction in life. 

    Key Points to Remember:

    • Be honest with yourself; there are no right or wrong answers, and no judgment is attached to your responses.
    • Take your time with each prompt, thinking about what is important to you and why.
    • As you work through each prompt, take a moment to record your thoughts. These reflections can serve as a valuable resource for developing self-awareness.

    Dreams and Aspirations

    Prompt #1: 

    Consider how your dreams define you. Is there a childhood dream that you still hold onto? Ask yourself, why is it important to me? How would it feel to make that dream come true, and what sacrifices would you need to make (if any) to get there?

    Prompt #2:

    Ask yourself, “What am I currently passionate about?, and “What activities/responsibilities give me the most energy and satisfaction?, Who or what do I aspire to be or to do?” Does your happiness depend on living the life or career of your dreams?

    Prompt #3: 

    In the next 5 years, what specific achievement, title, or position must I accomplish, what impact must I have for my family, in my field of study, or in the world in general, that would represent the highest level of success and sense of self-fulfillment for me?

    Prompt #4:

    “What current skills, knowledge, or resources do I possess that will help me achieve this aspiration, and what key areas do I need to develop or acquire?” And, what is my plan to achieve those goals?

    Up Next: Goals and Motivation

    The next set of prompts, part two of the series, will ask you to identify and understand what motivates you to achieve goals you have set for yourself.