When we talk about the subject of personal growth, we usually split things into two buckets: “Inner” growth (a growth mindset, self-awareness, and resilience) and “Outer” growth (relationships, communication skills, achievements, and recognition). However, here’s the missing piece in our model: Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the bridge that unites these two separate ideas, preparing you to be successful as a functioning member of society, regardless of your chosen career path. Producing real-world success that people actually notice.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) isn’t just about being nice; it is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions while recognizing and acknowledging the feelings of others. If your IQ measures your intelligence or book knowledge, EQ measures your people skills and self-control. It is the connection between thinking and feeling.
The Four Core Pillars of Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
Pillar #1: Self-awareness
In a previous blog post, we defined Self-Awareness as the GPS for our process of personal growth. And it is the absolute starting point for emotional intelligence (EQ). It’s all about understanding your own moods, feelings, what drives you, and how all that affects the people around you. To master this, you need to take an honest look at what you’re good at and what you struggle with, and feel genuinely confident in yourself. The key thing is, a self-aware person doesn’t just feel an emotion; they can actually figure out why they’re feeling frustrated, happy, or stressed. This deep internal check is the groundwork for everything else in emotional intelligence.
Pillar #2: Self-control
The second component, self-control (self-management), follows self-awareness. It is crucial for keeping destructive emotions and urges in check, so you can stay calm and collected, even when things get stressful. Think of it as emotional control—it’s that ability to hit the pause button between feeling an impulse and actually doing something about it. This pause allows you to make smart, principled decisions instead of just reacting impulsively or defensively. Self-management includes being flexible, taking initiative, and keeping a positive attitude in order to reach your goals, even when you face roadblocks.
Common Examples:
When receiving constructive criticism, someone with low emotional intelligence (EQ) might immediately become defensive, blame someone else for their mistake, or just give the person the silent treatment, which is not helpful. In contrast, a person with high emotional intelligence will pause, acknowledge that the criticism, while it may feel uncomfortable, is justified, and then ask what they need to do to improve, genuinely thanking the person for being honest.
When having a “bad day,” a person with low emotional intelligence stressed about a meeting or a deadline, might react by snapping at their parents, spouse, friend, or even someone in a restaurant or store, just because they are in the way. A highly emotionally intelligent response is to recognize the feeling of being overwhelmed and directly tell a partner, “I’m having a ridiculously stressful day and I’m a bit on edge. I need 20 minutes of quiet to de-stress so I don’t accidentally take it out on you.”
Pillar #3: Social Awareness
Social Awareness (Empathy) is the third key ability, which is shifting your focus away from yourself and focusing on others. This crucial skill enables you to sense, understand, and respond well to the emotional needs and concerns of those around you. Often described as being able to “read the room”, it requires you to see things from someone else’s perspective and grasp the mood of the situation. It goes beyond just seeing that someone is upset; strong social awareness helps you to understand why they are feeling that way, which is critical for great relationships and connecting with others.
For Example:
During a big disagreement, either at home, school, or at work, a person with low emotional intelligence makes their goal to “win” the argument and prove the other person is wrong. Conversely, a highly emotionally intelligent individual focuses on understanding the other person’s perspective, asking questions like, “Help me out here – why is this so important to you?” because they value the relationship more than being right.
Pillar #4: Building Relationships
Building Relationships is the final stage of emotional intelligence. It’s where you combine your emotional intelligence and social skills to manage complicated social situations, inspiring others. This is the top level of emotional intelligence, showing how well you can influence people, get them on board, and help them grow. It covers multiple social and communication skills—things like building trust and connection, communicating your message clearly and powerfully, addressing disagreements without a fight, and promoting change in a variety of settings, at home, school, and work. Bottom line? Relationship Management is about taking what you know about yourself (self-awareness) and what you feel for others (empathy) and turning that into positive interactions with those around you.
Conclusion
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is an essential skill for genuine, lasting success. Without it, attempts at inner growth become mere wishful thinking that fails when the pressure mounts. And outer growth results in shallow relationships that lack the trust necessary for long-term progress and achievement. Emotional intelligence links your inner strength to your outer results, establishing a mechanism that accelerates both personal growth and professional success.
Personal growth is a journey. It’s about learning who you are, understanding what’s important to you, and how you change/evolve as a person over time. It’s about striving to become the best version of yourself. While personal growth is a very complex topic, for the sake of this discussion, we will break it down into two major categories: inner growth (dreams, aspirations, goals) and outer growth (acquiring knowledge, learning skills, developing personal relationships).
The best way that I can describe it, is to imagine personal growth as a house (see figure above). Inner growth consists of the foundation of the house and the supporting walls, while outer growth represents what’s called the capstone, the roof of the building. The stability of this metaphorical building, what we can achieve (outer growth), depends on the strength our inner growth providing with its foundation and support.
What is Inner Growth?
Inner growth is strictly about you, and everyone’s journey looks different. Don’t get caught up comparing yourself to others, since everyone’s got their own way of doing things. Inner growth is not simply about grades, awards, or recognition. Instead, put your focus on learning about yourself and developing your own, individual strength of character, seeking inner peace and feeling good about who you are as a person.
Inner growth is getting better at understanding your emotions, handling tough times, and knowing yourself really well. You’ve got to take the time to figure out your thoughts, feelings, what you’re good at, where you’re not so good, and what drives you. By taking the time recognizing these things, you can pinpoint what’s really important to you, learning to deal with times when you’re stressed, and getting better at shaking off disappointments. At the end of the day, this inner work builds your confidence and gives you a real sense of direction, which sets you up for personal success.
The 3 Layers of the Inner Growth Foundation
Dreams
Dreams, the base layer of our personal growth “foundation”, are fueled by our imagination, constantly pushing us toward a future that that we believe is better than our current situation. They encompass our hopes and desires, motivating us to strive for ambitious goals. Our dreams focus on emotional fulfillment, what will make us feel “good” or an ideal outcome rather than how practical it is to achieve it. Our dreams evolve as we age, shaped by our experiences and perspectives. As children, we might dream of material possessions like toys; as we grow older, our dreams may shift towards education, career, and personal achievements – we may desire a dream job for example. In our later years, our dreams may center around retirement plans and leisure activities. Regardless of our age, dreams remain a driving force, moving us forward and inspiring us to reach our full potential.
Aspirations
Aspirations serve as a bridge between our dreams and real life. They are more practical than dreams because they are grounded in reality, taking into account our talents and abilities, our available resources, and the limits of our situation. While your dreams may often feel distant and unattainable, aspirations are achievable within a specific, realistic timeframe.
Aspirations involve breaking down our grand visions and dreams into smaller, more manageable tasks and goals, providing a clear, more manageable path toward our desired outcomes.
Similar to dreams, aspirations are not set in stone; they are flexible and adaptable. As we age, our abilities and skills progress and circumstances change, our aspirations can be adjusted and redirected to achieve our evolving goals and priorities. However, unlike dreams, which can sometimes be vague and undefined, aspirations focus on specific objectives, providing us with a sense of direction and purpose.
The process of setting and pursuing aspirations involves self-reflection and self-awareness. It requires us to assess our strengths and weaknesses, identify our values and passions, and understand our limitations. By setting realistic and achievable aspirations, we can create a sense of motivation and momentum, propelling us forward on our journey toward personal and professional success.
Goals
Essentially, goals act like a guide to achieving what you want. They turn big dreams and aspirations into things you can actually work on. By creating specific goals, you get clear steps and ways to see how you’re doing. This not only helps you reach your targets but also keeps you excited and on track.
“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”
African Proverb
Once you have established a particular goal, the next step is to break down the process of achieving that goal into actionable steps or tasks. This is how we actually get things done. They’re the plan we use to turn our goals into reality.
These steps tell us what to do and help us see how far we’ve come. Each completed step feels like a win and keeps us going. Plus, we can change things up as we go, adapting to whatever happens.
Adding these steps to our goals means we’re not just dreaming, we’re doing. We feel more in control and less overwhelmed. Basically, actionable steps are what pushes us to succeed, turning ideas into real results.
The Columns: Motivations and Expectations
Motivations
The reasons we take on any task are our motivations. They represent the underlying “why” that propels us towards our desired outcomes. Our motivations can be broken down into two categories: intrinsic, coming from from internal factors like a need to feel good about ourselves or our natural curiosity, or extrinsic, arising from external factors like our financial needs, a search for personal recognition or rewards, or social pressure. In many cases, our motivations are a blend of both. For instance, your decision to attend graduate school and pursue a master degree could be motivated by your desire for personal growth or a passion for learning (intrinsic), or the requirements of your career path, better job options, and higher earnings (extrinsic). Or perhaps a combination of both.
Understanding our motivations requires us to recognize the importance and the need to practice self-awareness. Self-awareness involves honestly asking ourselves what is it that truly drives us, what rewards we seek, and whether our motivations coincide with what type of person we want to be known as. It is an ongoing process, as our motivations can evolve and shift depending on our circumstances. It is crucial for us to regularly evaluate our motivations in light of our aspirations and goals, ensuring that they remain aligned and supportive of our chosen path and overall personal well-being.
By cultivating self-awareness and understanding our motivations, we can make more informed decisions, set meaningful goals, and live a more purposeful and fulfilling life. Remember, true motivation comes from within us, and it is our internal drive that ultimately propels us towards our greatest potential.
Expectations
Expectations also play a pivotal role in shaping our lives, influencing our decisions, actions, and overall well-being. Like our motivations, our expectations can be broadly classified into two main categories: external and internal.
Both internal and external expectations play a significant role in shaping our self-worth and self-esteem. When we meet or exceed these expectations, we experience a sense of accomplishment and pride. However, when we fall short, we may feel disappointed, ashamed, or inadequate. It is essential to remember that our worth is not dependent on meeting all expectations, whether they are extrinsic, someone else’s expectations for us (such as those from parents, teachers, or friends) or intrinsic, expectations we impose on ourselves. We are all works in progress, and setbacks and failures are an inevitable part of our journey of personal growth. By practicing self-acceptance – understanding we are not perfect, being patient and compassionate with ourselves, and focusing on our internal motivations, we can develop a sense of self-worth that is not easily swayed by trying to please others or non-realistic expectations we may hold for ourselves.
Let’s be honest, most of us, myself included, have at some point in our lives created unrealistic expectations about how quickly we should be able to accomplish something – studying for an exam, getting a promotion, completing a training course. Perhaps it’s “I expect to be paid ‘x’ number of dollars for working as a (fill in the blank) because they’re lucky to have me.” Or, “I shouldn’t have to start at the bottom and work my way up, because they’re lucky to have me.”
Growing up I put all my effort into meeting the expectation of others, especially my parents, while neglecting the other supporting components of the personal growth building . My dream to attend medical school and become a doctor was totally based on my parents expectations.I never had anyone talk with me about aspirations or how to set and act on goals. My motivations were entirely external, again meeting my parents expectations. Everything I accomplished – science fair awards, winning speech contest entries, and my Eagle Scout award was to please my parents.And it all came crashing down for me when I left home for college.
The first semester of my freshman year at college I had two science courses, PS 11, Introduction to Physics with a Lab and Organic 1. Due to my sheer arrogance, being extremely overconfident in my knowledge of the subjects, my lack of study skills and having never written a research paper in my life, I received a “D” in both classes. My accumulative grade point average for the semester was a 2.0. All my dreams of attending medical school, meeting my parent’s expectations were flushed down the proverbial toilet. My sense of self worth, again based on pleasing my parents, was severely shaken. I lost all my self-confidence and considered not going back to college for the winter semester.
Now I’m not saying that trying to meet your parent’s expectations is a bad thing, but it should only be part of your makeup, everything needs to be in balance, I should have developed internal motivations, understanding what truly made me happy, recognizing where my passions truly were and acting on them. Building on those passions a sense of self-worth that could not be shaken even when faced with adversity.
The Roof: Outer Growth
Think of the roof of your personal growth building,outer growth, like the tip of an iceberg, with all your hard work hidden beneath the surface. It’s the payoff for all the time you’ve spent learning, practicing self-awareness, sharpening your skills, and solidifying your beliefs. Every win, whether it’s success in the classroom, your college or graduate degree, a job promotion, your contributions to a community project, or taking care of yourself by forming a healthy habits, is clear proof of the significant inner growth happening.
Plus, the positive impact you make goes beyond your personal wins, creating a ripple effect on those around you, your classmates, your coworkers, and the broader community. This could be through mentoring fellow classmates, your leadership in the classroom, in athletics, or your workplace, by giving back to others less fortunate than you, or just inspiring others with how you live. The consistent behaviors you adopt, like discipline, resilience, empathy, compassion, and integrity, become deep-seated habits that naturally lead to better outcomes. These aren’t temporary, transient, efforts your part; you’re building lasting qualities that fuel your ongoing growth.
Ultimately, outward growth is a dynamic and continuous journey, changing as your inner self grows and deepens. It proves the power of aligning your self-awareness and personal beliefs with your actions, showing that true satisfaction, lifetime achievements, and meaningful impact on those around you naturally follow from a strong inner growth foundation.
